Sunday, May 8, 2016

Game of Thrones Power Rankings (S6, E2)

Season 6, Episode 2: "Home"

Last week's rankings: "The Red Woman"

In the Game of Thrones, you win or you die. In that spirit, here’s your weekly look at who’s winning and who’s (slowly, painfully) dying.


1. Jon Snow, 998th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch

He's alive! Now all he has to do is figure out how to stop an army of the dead. NBD. 

2. Melisandre

Hmm, so let me see if I have this right-- burning a young girl alive doesn't make for good access to your magical abilities, but trying to revive the possible savior of the realm does? Man, who would have guessed? 

3. Rhaegal & Viserion

They're free! Now, just one, small request:

4. The 99% of Westeros

As the High Sparrow said, "We have no names, no family. Every one of us is poor and powerless. And yet together, we can overthrow an empire." I wonder if the show runners ever approached Bernie Sanders about playing the High Sparrow? 

5. Tyrion Lannister 

Respect a man that knows his skill set.

Honorable Mention: Bran Stark 

Somehow he found a good barber in the weirwood tree.


1. Roose Bolton

So it turns out that threatening the loss of power and title to your sadistic son who loves nothing more than flaying his enemies, raping his wife, and separating people from things they're anatomically attached to is, umm, unwise. Game of Thrones is full of these profound little tidbits. Also, when you gained your own power by betraying and murdering those that trusted you, maybe don't be shocked that others will resort to similar tactics. 

2. Walda Frey and Her Newborn Son

What a shit role for an actress. What did the casting call say? "Needed: Very large actress to appear as basically a running fat joke, listen to costars question how it's physically possible to have sex with you, receive three lines of dialogue in two years, and then be eaten by dogs along with her newborn son." Yikes. 

3. Balon Greyjoy

And he seemed like such a good father. Oh well. 

4. Ramsay's Strategy

In the span of about 10 minutes, Ramsay first proposed attacking Castle Black, which he doesn't realize is being defended by a small army of wildlings and a big-ass giant that likes to smash people against walls, AND he murdered the daughter and grandson of the guy that orchestrated the Red Wedding. Remember, Walder Frey ordered the execution Robb Stark, his mother, his pregnant wife, and his entire army, just because Robb reneged on an arranged marriage. Now, Walder's daughter and grandson have been fed to dogs. Remember when we thought Joffrey had an averse relationship with karma? Ha! 

5. The War of the Five Kings

The beginning of Season Two launched the so-called War of the Five Kings between Joffrey Baratheon, Renly Baratheon, Stannis Baratheon, Robb Stark, and Balon Greyjoy. Since then, we've seen all five characters murdered, one each season since their conflict began, and two by their own brothers. The lesson: Maybe Westeros isn't a great place to declare yourself the king of. 

Honorable Mention: Ser Alliser Thorne

The Donald Trump of Westeros has been stripped of power and shown the fucking door. 

Confirmed Kills: 7

Two brothers of the Night's Watch (one sliced up by Tormund Giantsbane and the other smashed into a wall by the giant, Wun Wun), one particularly descriptive story-teller in King's Landing (head crushed into the wall he was pissing on, courtesy of Ser Robert Strong), Roose Bolton (stabbed in the stomach by his bastard son), Walda Frey and her baby boy (eaten by ravenous dogs set loose by her step-son), and Balon Greyjoy (pushed to his death by his own brother)

Season Death Tally: 17

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